Eide Neurolearning Clinic
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Edmonds, WA 98026
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email:
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The gifted community recently suffered the tragic loss by suicide of a wonderful young man. We grieve for his family and his friends, and we share these helpful words from Betty Meckstroth, co-author of Guiding the Gifted Child:
Hello Families.
Fernette and Brock asked if I might convey a message to you families. Since writing the message below, it has become more apparent that our children need balance in their lives. I participate in a camp for highly gifted children, Yunasa, (so do others you might know: Stephanie Tolan, Michael Piechowski, and Patricia Gatto-Walden.) For a week, we emphasize this theme of balance and have activities that involve intellectual, physical, social, spiritual and emotional – “heart” – activities. Since writing this below and with the recent tragic events, it seems that creating balance for our children and ourselves is key to enjoying our lives.
I am saturated with concern for what you must be enduring these past few days. News from Nebraska has permeated our hearts and souls and I feel that we are all trying to reach out and console each other, make some sense of this tragedy and find the right words to respond to our children.
I spoke with Joan Smutny who conveyed deep compassion for you and your families. I told her of my intended letter and she accepted being mentioned to you, along with her suggestions to buffer yourselves through this painful period. Joan is all about sharing! She recommended that you use books to bolster yourselves and children. She highly recommended Life After Life by Raymond Moody and to look through titles by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Looking at amazon.com, I see that these books could broaden our ideas about the mysteries of death. Joan also reminded me that Free Spirit has a couple of books written for children. I checked on them: When a Friend Dies is for teenagers about grieving and healing, ages 11 and up. A review, “A most compassionate book.” Another is What on Earth do you do When Someone Dies? for kids 5 – 10.
When I searched my heart and memories for something for you to hold on to, I kept going back to “listen.” So here, I’ve dredged up my first Parenting column for Understanding our Gifted, First issue, Sept. 1988 and scanned it in. That did a really creative job on the formatting, but I’ll get it into readable shape and add most of it here. Then, I’ll add a handout that is currently titled, Conveying Courage. Mostly, I just want to reach out to you and for you to know how I wish I had some consolation for you.
With hope and care - Betty
PARENTING
“When my daughter was identified for the gifted program I felt that suddenly the job of parenting was made much more serious, that more would be required of me. I wondered if I could keep up with her and give her all the things she would need.” Like this mother, parents of gifted children are often awed by their child and by the responsibilities of meeting their child’s infinite needs. The theme of living with gifted people sometimes seems to be, “More, more, more!” And since parents of gifted children are usually gifted children grown up, you may feel that you are often distracted, fragmented, and frustrated by too many possibilities. You may feel imbalanced trying to keep yourself enthusiastic and appreciated. Usually there just isn’t enough of you to go around!
How can you maximize your effectiveness in the limited time you have with each child? Probably the most comprehensive benefits will come from your careful listening.
Listen. Listen because you convey that what he has to say is important and you build self-esteem. Listening builds trust. We tend to trust people who listen closely because we think they have such good judgment! How do you win your child over to want to listen to you? Listen, listen, listen. When Renee wrote her college application essay on the person who had influenced her life the most, she picked her Mom. Not for all the carpooling to lessons, not for helping her with homework, not for taking her on trips, nor for sitting with her during piano practices, but because, “You always listened to me and you never made me feel that my ideas were stupid.” Mom influenced her the most by giving her courage and self-understanding when she proved that Renee was worth hearing.
Gifted people often adjust what they say so that they will be accepted. They sometimes feel that other people do not take them seriously. This can lead to not trusting themselves. Careful listening can also be a lifeline. It can convince children that there is someone who thinks that they are valuable and worth understanding.
Listening says, “You matter to me; what you do and think and feel matters to me.” It teaches how to interact with respect and understanding and thus, enables your child to be a safe friend. Your listening creates courage, understanding and trust for your child to eventually be his own source of power, possibility, and safe place.
Ten Ways To Enhance Your Listening Power
Develop a confidential relationship so that you feel understood and appreciated!
Be a safe place.
Arrange private time together. Plan an appointment when you want to share your time.
Be aware of your body’s messages: Keep equal or lower head level, eye contact, and open hands and arms.
Try to see and feel the situation their way. Listen to understand, rather than to respond. Refrain from expressing your advice and your own experiences.
Remember that accepting and understanding do not mean liking or agreeing. Mow them to have their feelings. Help them label their feelings.
Respect imagination! Acknowledge imaginary playmates. Guide their imagination to be their own source of encouragement!
Mentally
join their world and explore possibilities and consequences. The mind is a
place to try out new experiences and to gain insights into meeting needs.
Understanding Our Gifted September 1988
Now this handout on Conveying Courage will be redundant, but maybe you’ll get a useful idea from it.
Be a safe friend. We cannot not learn the mother tongue. How we interact with respect and understanding enables being a friend and having safe friends.
Arrange private time together. Plan an appointment. A few intimate minutes a day is usually more meaningful than longer, less frequent periods.
Listen with your entire body, mind, and spirit as if nothing else at that moment matters as much as your child’s thoughts and feelings, Listen as if your child has something important to give to you.
Create a sanctuary where you are a witness and a child receives affirmation. Listen to understand what a situation means to your child, rather than explain what it means to you.
Take your child seriously. Respond with: Slight head nods; “Mmmm....Uh huh I see.” Reflect essential bits of your child’s thoughts and feelings. Repeat and paraphrase what you hear. Do not add you own ideas. Be careful to use the child’s own words, rather than interpret.
Ask for clarification and amplification: “I’d like to know how you might have felt about that. - What were some of the ways you were feeling when he said that? - What are some of the ways you are feeling now?”
Allow them to own their feelings. “I get it that you’re furious with your brother!” Restrain expressing your advice, evaluations, theories, and your own experiences. It is important to focus your attention on gathering information, feelings, and understanding what they signify to your child.
Respond to their feelings: Affirm their feelings. Help them label their feelings. If a child can identify their feelings, they then can do something about what their feelings are telling them. “I’m in a bad mood.” might mean feeling “inadequate” or “embarrassed” because a child has agreed to do more than he/she has time to do. You could then focus on prioritizing values and meaningful activities. Perhaps create a schedule.
Feeling something does not mean doing or being something. This is the process of making constructive decisions about choosing behaviors
Accepting and understanding do not mean agreeing.
Strive to give life to their ideas. Be aware of your positive to negative response ratio and the ways you give life and death to your child’s thoughts.
Invest a few seconds in recognizing and appreciating each child as he/she leaves or arrives home.
Respect and care for yourself as well as you would your only precious child. You give what you are. What you are imprints your child’s life.
Elizabeth Meckstroth, M.Ed., M.S.W.